The alarm goes off at 6am.
No, I can’t do it.
Every week I think of 7am Qi Gong downtown. Sometimes I make it.
But this is the time of savor. This is the time of doing what I want and not making a job out of it.
I get up.
I sing in the car on the way to wake up and prepare for the song I am learning.
On the floor, first time through the form, I was savoring the deliciousness of being in my own body, feeling grounded. I recently discovered that if I eat breakfast before class – not just a smoothie – it is so much better. I really stretched, toe to torso to fingers and it felt good. Before we came to the end of the form, everything shifted, though and I felt light-headed.
Dammit. I’ve left class because of dizziness and I do not want to leave. Stick it out, girlfriend. Be tough. Well, it’s not about being tough. That way will result in you passing out. It’s about figuring it out. Navigating.
So the second time through the form, I did it small. I focused on the furnace within and considered any stretching as an expression of containment. Locking in, not leaving my body. My world is here and I modulate the boundaries, all being sacred but the center being here. Not there. Success.
Afterwards, I went by one of the last earthy cafes in town, looking for the familiar comfort, the same old tables, the good smells and ambiance. But it was early. It smelled like burning, there was a couple talking too loudly and the staff didn’t realize in their rush to get the place opened that the music was too low. Walls bare, they must be between artists.
“This is just an empty shell”, I thought. “Like any other room.”
It felt exciting, the cool, the starkness, the knowing that the fun was in my heart and no one could take it away. I asked them to turn the music up, the couple left and before my breakfast was ready, yummy smells came from the kitchen. Things resumed, but with me in better awareness.
It’s not enough to get away, to shut those things out that have been eating at your soul.
It’s not enough to find a safe space and hunker down.
It’s not enough to clear the debris and dig into the foundation, to break through to fertile ground and feel again.
It’s not enough to dream and sort things through and find reason and plant a few seeds.
You gotta grow a garden.
You can’t go out into that world without your garden. A rich, dense, undiscovered area to the rest of the world that you may or may not give access to.
Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for defeat again. The wheel of defeat and recovery is too small. Get on the greater wheel, the one that includes the expanse of life not just reached but lived.
Know yourself without trauma and you will never want to go back.