This is my spiritual share to the #metoo trend that is going on. I was sexually harassed on the job at age 16 so severely that I had a breakdown on shift and had to walk out. I never went back. But the experience left me in PSTD for further jobs and set me up for my generation’s culture of “if he buys you a drink, you are obligated to sleep with him” in the following years. When that chapter was over it took me decades to sort it all out and find some semblance of personal sovereignty.
After I moved to Seattle in my 20’s, I had a healing from a dear woman who did multiple extractions of all the men I had slept with – I stated that I could still feel them swimming around in my womb. During the healing, I pounded my fist on the mat I was lying on so much that I sprained my wrist. Afterwards, she had me visualize a space inside of me that was my sacred temple. This was a place that no one was allowed in except for me. My goddess, I was in my 20’s and I had never even that such a container in myself was even an option! It took me many years after this healing to fully realize this conception.
I wasn’t ever raped in my memory. (Though on one occasion I was almost gang-raped in a Fremont apartment. Luckily, Spirit charged me to get out, high on cocaine, before it was too late, and find my way home, unfollowed.) Outside of that, I was emotionally and psychologically overpowered by older men at a young age. I was imprinted to open for men, to act aroused when I wasn’t. When I stopped these behaviors, I found that something had been taken from me that I never knew that I had, or had a right to hold. I didn’t feel that feminine power that naturally flows from so many women I saw around me. I was spiritually/sexually barren. The only way I knew to receive intimacy was through sex because I didn’t trust – wasn’t ever shown – that my mind and humor and creative abilities was enough to love and call anyone to want to be close to me.
Many decades later, after experiencing many emotional flashback without informational memory, I came to believe that something terrible truly had happened to me at a young age that I cannot remember. I am at peace that I may never remember and I am not concerned because the Great Compassionate Spirits and my human spiritual teachers have shown me how to untangle my relationship patterns: relationship with other, with myself and with Spirit. But still, I must admit, now that I have found my boundaries, I find that the amount of time it might take for me to trust a man to let them touch me again, might be longer than most men would be willing wait. Well.. their loss.
Shamanism is about relationship, to all of these things and also to the land, to the tree people, the stone people, the stars, the sun. My superpower, my holy grail is my commitment to my own personal sovereignty, which is about learning to establish healing boundaries in all of these relationships. To say no. To say maybe let me think about it. To make a calculated decision to say yes. To allow myself to change my mind. To allow myself to sing my medicine in any form I wish to, alone always and in the witness of others if I choose to.
Things that do not change, die. It is the nature of nature to change, so when I am stuck, I move. Move towards healing, move through the pain, move into trusted mystery, move away from people and environments where I do not feel safe. I do not need have a reason to say no. I need to listen and listen and listen until I can hear my instincts – and then trust them. And trust my friends on the other side who have walked every step of this path with me.
When we are violated, it can cause a rip in our field where other beings can come in. Where attachments are made with our abusers and where possessing beings can jump from another person to ourselves. And of course, soul loss, as a result of leaving our bodies at the moment the abuse is occurring. All this can take many years to unravel but it must be done. We all have unique gifts, to give to ourselves fore-mostly and through that, to the world and the people around us. As we do the work, the trauma lessens and the flow reestablishes. Our ability to be the hollow bone for spirit increases and our discernment is refined.
As humans, we are naturally hollow bones. To find our song in what makes us the most happy is the hollow bone that we are born to be. That is what, in my view makes us different than the other people’s on the planet. Us humans are hollow bones for a variety of things, not just humanness.
May you find healing in the #metoo expression that is happening right now. May the triggers not make you feel alone as much as you feel one with the rest of us who have had to travel this path alone as well. Collectively, we put together the pieces needed to find our path through healing to our divinity.